When I look around my room, I see a lot of encouraging words for me to pursue my dream.
What is my dream?
Japan.
It's sound so simple but yet, it’s nothing near to that word.
Some people get to go there via PSA scholarship and they, perhaps, don’t even have the passion like I do.
I didn't even qualify for it and mark my word; I worth more than the students that get the scholarship.
The quest to find my goal, to find out what I want to achieve in this life.
This is a long post.
Along my journey of life, I’m blessed with the greatest parents and family I’ve ever can get.
My dad is good in man’s stuff like wiring, piping, gardening, etc and he always called himself MacGyver because he can invent something that is useful to solve some certain problem.
My mom is good in women’s stuff like cooking, baking, sewing, etc and she’s a nurse, so my brother and I always consult my mom if we have certain concern about health.
My elder brother ? Well, we have such a huge age gap so I don’t really know him much but I know, he’s talented but not so fortunate in choosing friend.
But I know he’s reliable (time wise, not so lol) and I’m glad that I have a brother.
From a very young age, I am not taught to play game or to buy toys. Instead, my dad allows me to buy only books. So, we have a humongous amount of books, some I don’t even read it. Like a library in my own house.
My favourite book when I was in primary school is actually kid’s encyclopaedia. I love reading about facts since I’m 4 years old. At that time, my English is not really good, so I read it in Malay.
That’s why, most of the time when teacher talk about some certain facts, I know and I can answer it. I love facts and argument, broader perspective of a certain issue.
I’m more towards facts, rather than literature.
That’s why I get 3B in my Malay Language in SPM and I get A1 in Pengajian Am in STPM (lol)
I still remember that I really love thinking and reading about future.
That’s why my favourite cartoon character is Doraemon.
It is a children’s cartoon character but it have some vision about the future.
Most of the greatest modern scientist starts with science fiction movie like Star Wars.
They discover about their potential through the things that catch their attention.
Some people might just leave the idea where it is with no further thoughts, and there’s one person in that circle think otherwise.
That’s why we have great scientist like Sir Isaac Newton and Archimedes. They discover their potential and ability through things that caught their attention. They’ll start to investigate and observe, making hypothesis and conclusion.
One question was asked by a friend of mine.
Why choose Physics? Why not choose Biology?
Good question.
That question makes me think about the fundamental reason why I choose it.
I’ve a very good reason for it and somehow, I’ve forgotten about it.
Thank you for reminding me about it.
I am no genius, in fact I was really weak in both Maths and Physics, failed almost every school test in for SPM and STPM but I able to pull it up to A1 in SPM and B+ for STPM.
It’s not easy for me, at first.
The number speaks no word about me and I know more than the number.
Anybody can get the same result as mine but what make me so different?
Getting 4 flats or straight A’s could make you different? Yes, in terms of number, your achievement, your strong memory ability, genius.
What about others that do not achieve that number and A’s?
(Do you realize that A’s and ace sounds the same?)
The system classified person through achievement. Even co-curricular activity mark also is in number.
Computer can classify those with certain range of number and group it to the respective class.
For Malaysia they have another group called ‘Race’ and that really brings the higher education system level down.
I’m not going to talk about this, fellow Malaysians you know this.
So now let’s go back to the question. Physics.
My mother was a nurse and I always follow my mother to hospital. The hospital scent (I love to use scent to describe memory) is like a part of me. But I’m not attracted to it. I watched doctors and nurses work at hospital since I was 4 years old till 2008. I can go in and out of the hospital clinic whenever I like, go around back door, use the computer inside the clinic (gosh, I make it as if it was my house! >_<;;). This is not something you should do though!
I find that doctor’s clothes is attractive, but doctor’s work not. Handling human life is my weakness, it is interesting, no doubt, but I’d like to make it as a hobby instead of a lifelong commitment. I’m not good in handling death to be honest. Even my goose’s death is almost too much for me. I don’t have such patience to handle human’s problem or listening to their problem every day, because I care too much. I’m too nice, I think. I prefer handling pets or machine.
Well, the reason above is not enough because I didn’t say why I choose Physics over Biology.
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| Electronic kit |
During Form 2, we learn electronics in KH (Kemahiran Hidup, Living Skills). From that point onward, I fell in love with electronics. My dad bought me whole set of soldering and electronic kits. I love to solder the components to the board. I was pretty bad at first, after practicing with soldering, my work become very neat. I can even solder small electronic components like IC’s legs. Some electronic components like diodes are not in our KH syllabus so I went to the Internet and learn about the components. I have quite a lot of knowledge about electronic and I love to know more about them.
When I was in primary school, I love astronomy. I love to discover about planets, stars, galaxy and rockets. I know quite a lot about astronomy (at that time) and get really excited when studied it in school. I went to National Planetarium more than 3 times! I just love it. But when I get a bit older, I feel that I don’t want to spend my whole life to find something up there. I want to find something down here and invent something that can save this old planet (somehow). Besides, it is not cheap to become astronomer. The telescope cost thousands!
Next, I want to thank to Detective Conan’s movie Countdown to Heaven for coming up with g=9.80665 ms-2. I memorize the number in Japanese. I found that the number is pretty interesting. From there; I can’t wait to learn more about the number and the value g... and the value turn out into more than just value, its mind boggling Physics! lol
Besides that, I went to Robotic competition before for RoboSoccer Jr at ROBOFEST Malaysian Robot Game Festival. Although we didn’t win, (with malfunctioning robots a day before competition) I learn a lot about programming and assembling robots. I learn a lot. I went to the Lego’s Robotic training for the competition just to help too, not to enter the competition.
Conclusion, I love Physics! I hope Physics love me back!
Of course, Japan is well known in advance machinery and robotics, in addition with my experience in Japan, visiting my cousin who studies undergraduate there. I know that, this is the place for me to be!
There is more than that, of course! I want to be mini-ambassador of Malaysia there. Involve in cultural activity, promoting Malaysia, learning a lot of Japanese, taking train and bus, sakura, meeting my pen pal friends, karaoke, get a part time job, Japanese phone, cycling, sightseeing, 100 yen shop, strawberry, crazy fashion, observing people, learning their work ethics, and the list go on and on.
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| 2011 change to 2012 and 2013. Can't change to 2014 after that! |
I will and definitely apply for Monbukagakusho again next year for academic year 2013 for undergraduate. I’m not giving up; I will and never give up till the end. But that’s not enough though. I need perfect score in the entire entrance exam subject except Japanese. So, I know where I’m heading to. I’ll continue my study in local university, still. If I get it, I’ll be the oldest in the crowd of applicants. I don’t mind. Like I said before, I am no genius. Some geniuses can get incredibly high mark in exam, they are brilliantly genius. Hence, time is the only thing that I have.
I do have back up plan. I’ll definitely apply for postgraduate and I’ll never give up. Never.
I’m not taking the shortcuts to go university; neither do I aimed to graduated earliest among my peer. Some of my friend will graduate earlier than me for sure. What I want is to graduate in Japan. At least I try to make this dream of mine become reality. It is easier to study undergraduate in Japan (in my opinion), at least, I try. I don’t want to regret about not even trying.
Somehow I sense, the scent of memory do feel so near. My intuition, my own future prediction, (I predict my own future?) I know it is so near. But how near?
(Now I’ve a psychic power prediction, huh?)
There’s always something behind everything that happen in our life. I always tends to look beyond and to figure out why. It is beyond science, it require understanding of my own life. When I look at myself, throughout the year, I feel that I know the reason why.
Emotional instability and immaturity; lack of self esteem and low confidence level.
Not to mention lack of perseverance too.
I don’t have emotional stability, to be honest. I’m trying to control it but it’s always out of control.
I hope, through months ahead, I toughen myself up and control my emotion.
If I can do that, nothing is impossible. I know I can do it.
I’m 20 years old this year, cannot act like small teenage girl like before.
I must grow up.
I’ve what it takes to tackle problems of my life but if I’m lacking in those quality, I can tackle nothing in my life.
Confidence and self-esteem... I have those qualities before, and then suddenly disappeared due to overwhelming amount of stress, humiliation, and self-hatred. I need to dig it out to the surface.
I need to be able to compete with the best among the best. I need to be strong.
If I ever forget or lost, I’ll read about this article of mine at my own blog to find myself here.
I put a piece of my soul here (not Horcrux lol).
It’ll remain here as long as the Internet exists.
I’ll remain alive through this blog.
